CAYA Conversations
Join us as we dive deep into the challenges and triumphs of parenting and student life in the Clarkston area. Our expert therapists bring their insights to the table, discussing vital topics that resonate with families today. From stress and time management to navigating co-parenting and blended families, we cover it all.
Discover strategies for positive reinforcement, learn how to manage different sibling personalities, and explore when to seek professional support. Whether you’re a parent, student, or simply part of the community, our conversations are designed to empower and inspire.
Tune in to connect, learn, and grow together!
CAYA Conversations
Unlocking the Secrets to Balanced Family Life
Can you imagine a world where family time flows seamlessly without the chaos of clashing schedules? Join us as we uncover practical strategies to transform time management from a source of stress into a family-strengthening practice. By engaging children in the art of scheduling and task management, we explore how verbalizing daily tasks can turn the household into an efficient, collaborative team. Embrace the opportunity to learn from time management mistakes, teaching children resilience and adaptability in the process.
Delve into our discussion on effective delegation, where we reveal clever techniques tailored for families with children of all ages. Discover how visual charts and checklists can simplify routines, while tackling common time-wasting habits like misplacing items or getting sidetracked by digital distractions. With insights on how even the smallest adjustments can create harmony in your daily flow, you'll learn to adapt routines to fit your family's unique rhythms and needs.
Explore the journey towards work-life harmony, where electronic calendars and family meetings are powerful tools in the quest for organization amidst life's hustle. We discuss how setting boundaries and planning ahead can ease the strain during hectic seasons, and why shifting focus from balance to harmony is essential. Dive into a candid conversation about choosing self-care over parental guilt, and the profound impact this decision can have on your well-being and family dynamics. Join us for an episode filled with actionable advice and inspiration to help you master the art of family time management.
Time Management Resources:
Scholastic-Teaching Kids Time Management (https://www.scholastic.com/parents/family-life/parent-child/teach-kids-to-manage-time.html)
Child Mind Institute (https://childmind.org/education/)
Explore the various services available in our community to support parents and students facing social and emotional challenges at https://chs.clarkston.k12.mi.us/counseling/emotional-support
For Parenting Under Stress episode questions contact Lauren from Ellie Mental Health - Clarkston at Lruben@elliementalhealth.com or 586-322-3499.
For more information on Clarkston Area Youth Assistance visit https://caya-mi.org/ or call 248-623-4313.
Hello and welcome to the podcast CAYA Conversations. Clarkson Area Youth Assistance is a volunteer-driven nonprofit organization focused on strengthening youth and families through the community involvement and prevention. Programs and services include family education, skill building and camp scholarships, youth recognition, pinwheels for prevention and casework services. CAYA is one of 26 youth assistance offices in Oakland County, located in every school district. Learn more at www. caya-mi. org or call 248-623-4313.
Trish Brown, LPC:Family and personal time. I think the most significant time management challenge is just keeping up with the physical and mental load of orchestrating multiple schedules. Just keeping everything straight and feeling on top of it all is such a challenge. Each human in your home has their own individual needs and schedule, and that's a lot of moving parts in one household. For example, working parents have their professional schedule and tasks. Each child has their own daily school or daycare schedules and perhaps extracurriculars, after-school activities. Then there are the not-so-routine and still-necessary tasks like holidays, birthdays, doctor's appointments, grocery shopping and social plans. And then, of course, we have the daily necessities of feeding, bathing, bedtime routines, etc. It never ends. It's all so much work and it's enough to keep up with our own needs and tasks. So managing the needs of our tiny humans on top of that, it can be challenging and stressful.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I mean that just reminds me of how many things we juggle in our household, just hearing the end of the day, all those, all the routines and whatnot. So time management is so important. How can parents model good time management habits for their children and why do you think it is important?
Trish Brown, LPC:One simple yet really important tool (and this benefits both parents and children) is to intentionally verbalize how we move through tasks and responsibilities. One example of how this could sound might be, you know, during our drive into school, I might casually explain to my child a few key moments to anticipate that day, something like okay, it's Tuesday. That means you have a math test today and you have speech club after school. Dad picks you up on Tuesdays because that's my late night. Maybe you could help him get dinner ready while I'm working, and then we could all meet up to eat as a family and help you with homework. I verbalize my systems to my child as well. For example, if she asks me a question about a date or something coming up, I will intentionally say well, let's go check my planner and we'll do that together. That way, I'm exposing her to some of the tools and systems that help me successfully manage my time, without her even knowing it. Speaking schedules and systems out loud is helpful for the parent in that it lightens the weight of the information we carry in our brains simply by speaking it out into the world. It may also help us to remember the tasks we have ahead of us, because we are thinking, speaking and hearing the information all at once, rather than just thinking about it or holding it in our brain. Including our children in these conversations is helpful for them because, in addition to modeling the methods we use to manage time, we're also encouraging the skill of anticipating what's coming up that day. Younger children don't yet have a solid concept of time and schedule, so we are starting to prime their brains for this kind of thought process. We are also modeling an inclusive, supportive, team approach to managing the tasks of an entire household. Most kid brains are not wired to notice what's happening or what's needed outside of themselves. You could be running yourself ragged taking care of all the things, and your child may interrupt you and just casually ask you to give them a snack, oblivious to how occupied and overwhelmed you may be. So including them in the awareness of everyone's needs and schedules helps to plant seeds for them to develop a more whole family or team approach to managing time. So we create a we're all in this together kind of go team energy. Additionally, I encourage verbalizing our time management mistakes. Sometimes we drop the ball, whether we've double booked ourselves, we've forgotten about a task or appointment, or maybe we're just running late. These things happen. How we navigate the moments when we drop the ball is really important. These are opportunities for us to normalize the challenge of time management and to model how we troubleshoot these moments. Speaking out loud how we've dropped the ball and how we plan to rectify the situation is really powerful.
Trish Brown, LPC:I'm thinking of a recent client who grew up with a parent with mad anxiety, almost panicking when running late for something and they were always running late. So her family consistently showed up late to things and would arrive in a state of high anxiety and stress on top of that. Subsequently since having children, my client finds herself in that same anxiety loop with time management. So I have her practicing intentional verbalizing and calmness. So when they are running late, rather than give in to her anxious thoughts and vibrations, she tells her kids hey, we're running late for school now and that makes me anxious. Let's all take four deep breaths before we start the car. So she verbalizes, the ball drop that they're late and then she demonstrates using a calming skill and then at some point they'll talk through how they can change their morning routine the next day to hopefully be on time. She's teaching her kids and her own brain how to troubleshoot the oops moments without panicking.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I love that. I'm definitely doing that right now. This morning I was like, Eliza, mommy's really frustrated. We're all just going to take a deep breath and over time she's actually learned how to do so. Nice way. It's definitely helpful to just be vulnerable with our kiddos. How do you think parents can effectively prioritize tasks when everything seems urgent and important?
Trish Brown, LPC:This one is pretty individualized. As a family, we need to be on the same page as to what is our top priority, what are the tasks that we will build or flex everything else around. For example, if, as a family, you decide that you put great value and emphasis on education, then perhaps homework management and completion takes priority over other activities, invitations and whatnot. If you have a child who is a competitive or like travel level athlete, then perhaps other things like meals and homework might pivot around practices or games or meets. Once you establish your family's top priorities, you can build around that.
Trish Brown, LPC:Additionally, I recommend learning how to say no to offers and invitations whenever we need to prioritize, maintain a healthy pace of life or even just to lighten our load. Saying yes to every invitation, every event, volunteer opportunity or every activity our kids express interest in will make prioritizing more challenging and is a quick road to burnout. For this I offer the notion that every time we say yes to something, we're essentially saying no to something else. So our yeses should not be automatic. They should be thoughtful and realistic and they should flex or pivot around our top priority schedule items.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:That definitely reminds me of how stress management and time management there are so many ways that those cross and I definitely think knowing your limits is really important. That takes some intentional work and then learning to lean to the discomfort of saying no, that's awesome. What are some strategies for setting a daily routine that balances the needs of both parents and children?
Trish Brown, LPC:When concerning children, strategies need to be developmentally thoughtful. So for younger ones, in regards to following a morning or bedtime routine, they may benefit from a visual chart that illustrates the order of events or tasks with images or pictures. Preschools do this. The kids maybe can't tell you what time recess is at, but they either know that routinely maybe recess happens after snack, or they know they can reference the daily schedule chart, find the icon or image for recess to tell you where in the routine it will happen. You can find some really great reproducible graphics like this at the Scholastic website.
Trish Brown, LPC:I have a few clients who work with a checklist to help their kids navigate their before or after school routines. So the parent creates a list of the tasks that the child is responsible for and each morning they're given their checklist and a marker and as they get dressed or eat breakfast, brush their teeth, they cross off each item of the list and independently work their way through, with the parent simply checking in on them periodically. Another great tool families can use is timers as a way to keep kids on task and perhaps give the parent a few minutes during that time. Most devices like phones, tablets and iPads have a timer feature, or we could even use an old-school kitchen timer. So this might look like okay, I'm setting your 10-minute timer and when it goes off you know you need to meet us downstairs for coats and shoes. Meanwhile, the parent has 10 minutes to perhaps tend to one of their own morning routine needs. Meanwhile, the parent has 10 minutes to perhaps tend to one of their own morning routine needs.
Trish Brown, LPC:Finally, another strategy is to make routines individualized to your family's needs and your environment.
Trish Brown, LPC:Some of this is trial and error, but it's true that structure creates behavior.
Trish Brown, LPC:For example, I recently worked with a family who had a morning and evening routine set, but they really struggled to get through it all, so we knew we had to change their structure. When we dissected it, we discovered that, as a family in a two-story home, they tend to spend their after-school time on the ground floor, like the kitchen, living room and dining room and backyard, and then their mornings were mostly spent upstairs in their bedrooms and bathrooms, until they came downstairs to leave for work and school. So once we noticed this, we modified the structure of their routine to fit their lifestyle with environment in mind. The kids were responsible for packing their own lunches, so we moved that task to the evening routine when they were all near or in the kitchen. The kids play instruments at home and practice in the morning before school. But the instruments were all kept on the first floor. So with the instruments out of sight, they became out of mind. So we moved those upstairs where they spent their time in the morning.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:Those strategies also really shine a light on and I'm not this is even just a plug for elemental health clerks and this is really any therapist but the importance of having like that third party to be like, hey, trial and error, what worked, what didn't, let's try this and that, and like having that kind of facilitator. It's just very apparent how helpful that is.
Trish Brown, LPC:It can be so hard to see it when you're in it.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:Absolutely. What are some common time wasters that parents might overlook and how can they eliminate or maybe reduce them? There are so many.
Trish Brown, LPC:So here are five. Number one the finding of the things. Scrambling to find a missing shoe or backpack items. That can be a giant time suck, especially if we need to get out the door or if we're on a routine schedule. Whenever we can, I highly suggest setting up your school stuff like backpack, shoes and coats and water bottles. Set them up in a space near our exit from the house the night before. That way, everything we need is waiting for us when we get ready to leave, and especially if we're in a rush. I also highly suggest living the mantra that everything has a home. Don't put it down, put it away. When you get home and kick off your shoes, they go here. Our coats, they're hung right here. When we're done using something, it goes back to its home. It's not simply left in the random spot we used it last. Don't put it down, put it away.
Trish Brown, LPC:Number two unnecessary battles, especially in the morning or right before bed when little ones brains are tired. Pick your battles, let go what you can. Arguments about clothing choices and coats can waste a lot of time if you're running low on it, Sure. Number three a disorganized approach to task completion. There's always more that needs to be done in managing a household. It is literally endless. If we are not focused on our task completion, we may carve out 30 minutes to clean the kitchen, but when we go to get the Swiffer we stumble upon a pile of nonsense we decide to take care of along the way, which may lead us into another room of the house. That presents us with more tasks to take on. It reminds me of the children's book If you Give a Mouse a Cookie, it can lead to just wasted time.
Trish Brown, LPC:Number four giving kids multiple tasks at once. Most kids again, especially in the morning or at bedtime when the brain is tired, cannot handle multiple verbal directions. So like get dressed, brush your hair, brush your teeth, please. Holding that mental list in the brain and then working through it item by item takes way more executive function than most kids have to give. So they'll likely just do one thing and totally forget the other two. So this can lead to a lot of wasting time and frustrated moods. Giving kids tasks mindfully, perhaps one at a time, or maybe a checklist can help with this one. And then number five our devices. Our phones and mobile devices are our communication, our entertainment, and they're also a huge distraction. Parents and kids alike, just get sucked into our devices. So having some expectations around device use and awareness of when devices get in the way of time management can help us create a structure leading to the behavior of more focused use of time.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:Those are all great and I think about like number two with unnecessary battles. I definitely think all of us, just as we go through the day, our serotonin levels and our dopamine levels just tend to, you know, go down, especially as we're in darkness more often. So just being more mindful, like is this what is the outcome if I actually do X Y, z and plan accordingly? What is the outcome if I actually do X Y, z and plan accordingly? What role does delegation play in managing time effectively and how can parents share responsibilities with their partners or children.
Trish Brown, LPC:In a multi-person household where one person is solely responsible for managing all schedules and completing most or all of the tasks, said responsible person is most likely on the road to burnout or already in a cycle where they experience regular seasons of burnout.
Trish Brown, LPC:If our family time management system solely depends on one person and they're burned out, our entire system falls apart. So here a team approach is what is best. When we delegate, we normalize sharing responsibilities and asking for and accepting help. We're encouraging our children to have these healthy habits through modeling, which also is reducing our load as task managers. Of course, delegation to children should be developmentally thoughtful, as kids of certain ages and stages need a lot of help and cannot yet offer much help to ease our task burden. So we plant seeds for later. Your child may need you to full-on brush their teeth for them at one point. Later you can maybe put toothpaste on their toothbrush for them, set a two minute timer and leave it to them, and even later on they can take direction to go brush their teeth independently. Eventually they can perhaps manage their entire morning needs, with you simply overseeing that, and then maybe someday you can start assigning them chores that is exclusively theirs to take care of as well, I like that family time management system.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I feel like I could spend multiple sessions with families on that, including in my own home. That's just a really good outcome to shoot for. It's just a management system where everybody's involved. What tools or apps or techniques have you found to be the most effective in organizing family schedules and managing time?
Trish Brown, LPC:Although it's never a perfect system when using technology, there are a lot of options out there. First, I recommend shareable electronic calendars like the Google Calendar app or Apple Calendar app. These tools ensure a consistent view of schedules and they're updated immediately. You can share them between you and your partner and any children old enough to handle that level of tech, so everyone's on the same page with the calendar. In these calendar apps, you can color code schedules, appointments and commitments. You can set them up to send you custom reminders, a daily digest of the calendar via email, and alerts when someone adds an item to the calendar. Sometimes, schools or district calendars will allow you to sync up with your Google or Apple calendar too, which is cool. You can have all of the school items on your general calendar. My kid's school does not do this, so I actually set aside time in both August and December and I go through the school calendar and then add those events to our calendar. If you prefer a non-technological option, you can create a family calendar with color coding on paper and have it in a common area of your home. This way, everyone can access it. The only downfall to this is that it's only accessible when you're physically in front of it.
Trish Brown, LPC:In my family we love Alexa. The Amazon Echo or Google has a similar device called the Home. These devices have endless features or skills you can utilize to help you track tasks, appointments, schedule reminders, create and manage shopping lists. There's a ton, and you can easily share between devices and persons both in and outside of the phone of the home. We use this one a ton. One final tool I love for family time management is a family meeting. I have a family I'm working with right now who's using one meal on Sunday so they'll pick breakfast, lunch or dinner just depending on what's going on that week when, as a family, they pause, share a meal and they talk about the upcoming week, what's on the schedule, what's abnormal this week, what do we need to plan for, and so on. This has worked for them in that they are increasing family awareness and setting themselves up for success before the madness of the week begins.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:Very go team approach oh my gosh. I before the madness of the week begins. Very go team approach oh my gosh. I'm absolutely going to utilize that one. How do you manage time during like particularly busy or stressful seasons, such as the start of the school year, or right around now as we're recording this, as we head into Thanksgiving?
Trish Brown, LPC:This one's pretty simple. You plan ahead as best you can and then you pivot and flex whenever you need to. So there's certain times of the year that we know will be busier or more stressful, based on our experiences. So as we approach those seasons or months or events, we can be proactively strategic about using the systems we already have in place to keep on top of things and feel in control of our own chaos. Now, as life happens, we modify. If the holiday invitations are too many, we start to decline some. If certain seasons make it impossible to commit to one of our regularly scheduled activities, maybe we take a short break until we're through that difficult time. We simplify things where we can, and remember structure creates behavior. So if something isn't working, if we want to see change in behavior, then we need to make a change in our structure.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I definitely see this common thread about setting boundaries and I think that it's really important for all of us to learn how to say no, know our limits. How can parents avoid feeling overwhelmed by the constant demands on our time, and what mindset shifts can?
Trish Brown, LPC:help. There are two really crucial mindset changes I'd like to suggest. One mindset shift I encourage is a modification of the idea that we are seeking balance. We often say we're working toward work-life balance or I want to live a balanced life. If you picture an old school weight balancing scale with the two sides, if one side holds the energy and efforts we give to one area of life and the other side holds the energy and efforts we give to another area of life, the scales will tip back and forth. Right, we can't give 100% to all things at all times, so maybe sometimes life requires me to give more energy and effort to one side and then, hopefully, when that load lightens, I can dedicate a little more to the other side or area of life and tip that scale a bit in the other direction. So when we're striving for balance in life, the scales are only balanced for a moment. It's not like in life. We achieve balance and it stays that way, period done, balanced. It's a moment we move through as the scale tips back and forth and as life happens, we are striving for something that's unrealistic and very temporary in balance.
Trish Brown, LPC:Rather, I encourage clients to strive for harmony. Accept the eras where life is lopsided, where you have to give a little less in certain areas because another area is taking up the majority of your energy and effort. Then also strive to give a little more to those areas in need, as soon as you're able be aware of the imbalances, and shift those when you can strive for work-life harmony and finally shift viewing self-care for parents as a high priority item on the to-do list. Easier said than done, I know, and when I use the term self-care, I mean this in the most individualized way possible. What recharges you, what lights you up, what relaxes you, what grounds you and who you are or centers you? Make time to do those things once in a while. Pre-plan for this, carve out time for this and make yourself inaccessible during self-care time, even if it's 30 minutes long. When parents prioritize self-care, it makes them better, stronger and healthier versions of themselves and they can be more resilient during those busy, stressful times.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I love strive for work-life harmony. I'm definitely going to be using that with my clients and with myself. This has been so informative. My last question is how can parents carve out personal time for that self-care which I agree is totally like a preventative measure without feeling guilty or neglecting other responsibilities?
Trish Brown, LPC:Parent guilt is no joke. Guilt, like any other feeling, is just a feeling. It will happen, so we cope with it. When it does. To this, I suggest that you strengthen your self-talk. Learn to talk back to the guilt. Validate for your brain the importance of prioritizing self-care Rather than a mentality of I took the afternoon off to care for myself, but the house is a mess, so I cleaned. Instead, we need to shift to something more like ooh, my house is a mess, I'm going to have to find some time to tend to that. This afternoon, though, is about my self-care.
Trish Brown, LPC:Now, if you're stuck in a parent guilt cycle, meaning that you have the habit of letting guilt win and chronically neglect your own personal care needs, you are likely seeing, or will see, the impact that has on life satisfaction, mental and physical health, and capacity or tolerance levels in parenting and partnering. So to that I say pick your heart. Option A is to start prioritizing your care, restructure your priorities and battle the subsequent guilt. Option B is to continue to neglect your own self-care and endure the impact that ultimately has on a person. Both sound hard to do, so pick your heart.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:That was so helpful and informative. Thank you so much, Trish. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening. If you have any questions after today's episode or want to learn more about services, feel free to reach out to me at 586-322-3499 or email me at lruben@ elliementalhealth. com. Thanks again.
