CAYA Conversations
Join us as we dive deep into the challenges and triumphs of parenting and student life in the Clarkston area. Our expert therapists bring their insights to the table, discussing vital topics that resonate with families today. From stress and time management to navigating co-parenting and blended families, we cover it all.
Discover strategies for positive reinforcement, learn how to manage different sibling personalities, and explore when to seek professional support. Whether you’re a parent, student, or simply part of the community, our conversations are designed to empower and inspire.
Tune in to connect, learn, and grow together!
CAYA Conversations
Building Bonds in a Blended Family
Unlock the secrets to thriving in a blended family with the expert insights of our guest, therapist Samantha Hazleton. Discover how mastering assertive communication can transform your family dynamics and strengthen bonds with stepchildren. Samantha guides us through the maze of co-parenting challenges, emphasizing the power of tone, word choice, and body language in fostering healthy interactions. By the end of this episode, you'll have the tools to navigate diverse parenting styles and build a harmonious family environment.
Creating strong family bonds is not just a possibility; it's a reality with the right strategies. We explore how establishing new routines using visual aids like whiteboards, creating shared values, and involving facilitators like therapists can fortify your family unit. The importance of recognizing and supporting each stepchild's unique adjustment journey is emphasized, alongside practical advice for fostering trust and respect. We also tackle the often-overlooked impact of generational trauma, offering ways to break the cycle through healthy coping mechanisms and self-care.
Imagine a home filled with peace and balance, where family meetings foster open communication and siblings support each other through acts of generosity. We share tips for organizing spaces with soft lighting and house plants, creating a nurturing atmosphere that encourages positive interactions. From celebrating family achievements to crafting a family motto, these practices unite and uplift. Plus, learn how a monthly "Generosity Day" can cultivate kindness and strengthen bonds. Don't miss out on these invaluable insights and resources to transform your blended family experience.
Co-Parenting/Blended Families Resources:
https://umatter.princeton.edu/respect/tools/communication-styles
https://veryspecialtales.com/say-sorry-activities-apology-worksheets/
https://www.thepragmaticparent.com/activities-to-help-siblings-get-along/
Explore the various services available in our community to support parents and students facing social and emotional challenges at https://chs.clarkston.k12.mi.us/counseling/emotional-support
For Parenting Under Stress episode questions contact Trish from Ellie Mental Health - Clarkston at tbrown@elliementalhealth.com or 248-308-5535.
For more information on Clarkston Area Youth Assistance visit https://caya-mi.org/ or call 248-623-4313.
Hello and welcome to the podcast CAYA Conversations. Clarkson Area Youth Assistance is a volunteer-driven nonprofit organization focused on strengthening youth and families through the community involvement and prevention. Programs and services include family education, skill building and camp scholarships, youth recognition, pinwheels for prevention and casework services. CAYA is one of 26 youth assistance offices in Oakland County, located in every school district. Learn more at www. caya- mi. org or call 248-623-4313. Welcome back to the CAYA Conversations podcast. In today's episode we'll be exploring effective parenting strategies for blended families and co-parenting. We'll focus on building strong communication skills, fostering collaboration between parents and reducing the impact of generational trauma. These tools can help create a more harmonious environment supporting your family's growth and connection. Help create a more harmonious environment supporting your family's growth and connection. I'm excited to introduce today's guest, one of our amazing therapists, Samantha Hazleton. Let's dive in the first question I have. Are it's kind of basic? What are communication skills and are there different styles of communicating?
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Yeah Hi, thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here. So what we mean by communication skills is basically the how of talking. So verbal communication includes the tone of voice, the choice of your words, intonation, which is the rise and fall of your voice, and that can help people figure out if you're asking a question or making a statement, what emotion you may be feeling while you're speaking. So how we speak to each other and our children really matters. Children can be good at picking up subtle changes in your voice and sometimes they even call us out on it. The other component of communication is non-verbal, which includes our body language. Are we making eye contact? What's our facial expressions? What are our gestures? Are we talking with our hands? Are our arms crossed? So are we looking at the person who's speaking? Do we have an engaged body language, Like, is our body facing towards them or away from them, and what our face might be conveying that our words may not be so with different styles of communication, there are four main styles of communication Passive communication, which is when someone avoids verbalizing their needs, ideas or thoughts.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:So with passive communication, typically there is limited eye contact, a softness to their voice and difficulty saying no to people. Aggressive communication, which is when a person's space and you can get a feeling of their being intense. And then passive-aggressive communication is when someone expresses their needs, ideas, thoughts indirectly. So this could look like the silent treatment using sarcasm or your facial expression doesn't really match your words, Like if you have tears in your eyes yet you say nothing is wrong. An assertive communication, which is really what we strive for, is expressing your ideas, thoughts and needs confidently and respectfully. So this looks genuine. Your voice is clear, your body language is engaged, You're looking into the person's eyes. You're curious about what the other person's thoughts and ideas and opinions are.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I like what you said about the nonverbal and it made me think, like there's probably so many times I'm not cognizant and I'm trying to make dinner and feed the dogs and my two-year-old is at home talking to me and I'm not giving her that face-to-face that she deserves. So that's just good insight that I'm going to take home after this podcast when I make dinner tonight. Yeah, my next question would be how do you know what communication style someone has?
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Yeah. So listening to them, listen to their words and how do they express themselves. So are they telling you how they feel or what they're thinking? Are they beating around the bush? Is your child avoiding talking to you altogether? Is your child yelling, or are they whispering or somewhere in between? So listening to them.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:And then we also want to observe their behavior. So is your child facing you? Is their head down? Are they making eye contact? Are their arms crossed? Are they stomping their feet? Are they smiling? So paying attention to that behavior. And then, along with behavior, we also want to pay attention to their facial expressions. So what emotion could you maybe be feeling from them in that moment? And how can you tell what emotion they may be feeling? And then different communication styles are extremely common. So you may have a child who communicates similar to you, and you may have a child who communicates completely opposite of you, so being patient and paying attention to their words, their expressions. And you may have a child who communicates completely opposite of you. So being patient and paying attention to their words, their expressions and their body language helps us figure out which communication style they may be operating from in that moment.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I feel like we're probably going to be able to sum up a lot of this with, just like, more intentional parenting which is you know I know difficult because there's just so much to do in a day, but I think just taking some time to be more intentional than maybe making some changes with our communication style doesn't feel as it's such a big project.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Yes, yes.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:Um, my next question is like what are some of the biggest challenges parents face when navigating co-parenting in a blended family?
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:So two of the biggest challenges that parents face when co-parenting in a blended family are managing different parenting styles and then building a strong relationship with your stepchildren. So parenting styles range from uninvolved or unavailable to authoritarian, which is very strict, almost like a militant, lots of structure and rules. So we'll attach a resource to learn more about each of these four parenting styles. But let's have a conversation about how each parent handles discipline. So, like does one parent prefer teachable moments and the other parent contentious moments and the other parent prefers concepts like grounding or a timeout? Does one parent cultivate independence in a different way than the other parent? Like, what even is worth disciplining? What behavior is your child doing that might be worth a disciplinary action? So discuss how involved the other parent is with disciplining of their stepchildren. Discuss how involved the other parent is with disciplining of their stepchildren. It's important to be able to notice also when the other parent is becoming overwhelmed and how they can be supported in that moment. So another thing with managing different parenting styles is establish new family routines. Does one parent prefer a structured routine and the other parent prefers a more? Go with the flow. Let's manage multiple children's activities. So that's super stressful, as we know.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:So having a visual aid like a whiteboard or a large calendar in a common area can be very helpful. And one more thing is creating new family values. As a family, so a value is something that is important to you, that guides your behavior. For example, values could be kindness, patience, forgiveness. So, as a family, talk about what are your top five values for each parent? What does each child value? What is important for the individuals as a family, and then oh sorry what is important for the individuals of the family and then the family as a whole. Again, a visual aid of this can be super helpful, and making it into a family craft activity can be really fun.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I can totally see why this would be so helpful to do this in therapy with the facilitator, because this is so much collaborating yeah.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Yeah, yeah. So having somebody to help you kind of guide through that conversation, absolutely yeah. And then another difficulty is building a strong relationship with your stepchildren. So children more than likely can have a difficult time adjusting to the new family structure because they're also grieving their old family structure, and so it's important for each parent to recognize and accept this and accept that not all the children are going to adjust in the same way at the same time.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:So let's spend the time, be consistent and show them respect. So by time let's I mean, sit at the table as a family for dinner, take the little moments throughout the day to connect with each child individually, even if it's a quick hug or a hey, I missed you today. Read for five minutes a day. Just spend the time with each individual child in the moments that you can. And then it's really important to be consistency. So consistency creates trust.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Show up to their activities. Next time you're at an activity, try watching your child look for you in the crowd and you'll see that joy or relief immediately fill their place when they lock eyes with you. It's a super cool moment and that'll help us remember, like, what that means to them that we showed up. And then in the difficult moments as well, when the child may be struggling or your stepchild is pulling away from you. Give them the space they need, while also reassuring them that you're here and do your best not to make a promise that you can't keep. Lastly, it's really important to show them respect, so learn what they enjoy and participate in that. Ask them open-ended questions about their day, such as who did you play with at recess or what was one good thing that happened today? Listen to their stories. Remember their best friend's name. Talk positively about their other biological parent.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I really like that last statement. Show them respect. Learn what they enjoy, because I think if I treated everyone with my version of respect, they may not feel respected. So learning what that means for them shows that we're making them a priority, which is the same thing as respect. I love that what is generational trauma and what are a few ways parents can limit the impact or break that chain of generational trauma of generational trauma.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Generational trauma is the concept of passing on maladaptive coping skills or negative patterns and distrust of others to our children. This is called generational trauma because it's unresolved trauma within ourselves. So this can look like members of the family being hypervigilant, like looking around a lot, feeling anxious or having a negative view of themselves and other people. So when we mean trauma, when we say trauma, we mean abuse, neglect, racial disparities, feelings of being oppressed. So trauma survivors can either continue the cycle or they can create a new narrative, and healing is difficult. It's also very powerful.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:So if you have trauma in your past or in your own childhood and you are now a parent trying to raise your own children, it's important to notice how those unresolved feelings of trauma are showing up for you and coming out in your own behavior. So, paying attention to how you respond to your child, begin to notice what behaviors or words or situations are triggers to you feeling anxious or overwhelmed, sad or frustrated, model for your children, how to work through those uncomfortable feelings. By practicing breathing techniques, journaling and self-care, by doing things that make you feel good. Both our body and our brains remember and hold on to that trauma that we endure. So to heal. That part of us can be the difference between continuing that generational trauma and breaking the chain. Also, finding a therapist for yourself is a great resource for your healing journey as both an individual and as a family.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:My next question for you is what are a few tools to help a blended family create a harmonious environment?
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:So what we mean by harmonious is let's create a sense of peace and balance and positive energy within your home. So the external environment that we're in can really impact our internal environment and how we feel internally. So ideas for creating a positive external environment could be displaying your kids, artwork, soft lighting. Organizing your space, even if it's organized chaos, that's okay too. Your space, even if it's organized chaos, that's okay too. So house plants, an open window, opening the shades those small things can and do go a really long way.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:So family meetings are also really helpful to allow each individual to express their thoughts, their concerns and their feelings. Express their thoughts, their concerns and their feelings. This can be done at dinner time or breakfast time, typically. Having food around helps these meetings go smoother. So then you know, no one gets hangry and we're meeting that that food basic need too. Um. So at a family meeting, it's important to set clear boundaries. So having a talking stick or another object that's a visual reminder to everybody that the person holding it has the floor, it's their turn to talk, and everyone will have their chance to speak and share their thoughts. Another boundary to set would be using I statements. So avoid using we all or you all. We also want to avoid all or nothing language, such as you always do this or you never listen and use kind language. So no name calling. No name calling. We want to use words that get our point across, while also being respectful of ourselves and others in the family.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I think you're bringing up a really good point. I think just to put a plug on one of the resources that a lot of us therapists use, therapistaidcom. They have a really good worksheet that just breaks down fair fighting rules, so like staying focused on the issue at hand and talking openly about your problems, listening without interrupting the I statement. So that's just a quick plug for families out there if they want to learn more about fair fighting rules.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Yeah, absolutely. And in the beginning of our practice we were talking about communication styles, and this is really a good opportunity for parents to learn and recognize how both they themselves are communicating with each other and the kids, and then how each of the kids is communicating and expressing themselves, so on an individual basis or as a family as a whole. So you're the expert of your family. Some families do this individually at bedtime, others you can do it during a family meeting. So ask your children how can I make you feel more loved tomorrow? How can I make you feel more supported? And then you can also do this sibling to sibling as they get older. So Susie asks Robbie hey, robbie, how can I make you feel better tomorrow? What can I do different to make you feel like I love you, like I love you? So then there again is that aspect of seeking out what each child needs to feel loved and to feel supported and appreciated. And then that also helps with kids creating a sense of belonging together, because then they're taking that action step to make their sibling feel a little bit better. And then you, as the parent also, it's very, very important for you to follow through on what feedback your child gives you and be open to that and follow through with that the next day, sure. So another thing with um that we can do to create a harmonious environment is let's create some family goals. So celebrate those individual achievements and milestones, encourage your children to work together. And also creating a family motto, which a motto is, a statement that encourages us and reminds us that we're capable or we're loved or we're valued. So creating a family motto and again getting artsy and creative with this, we can put this on a canvas or a poster board, decorate it and hang it up for everybody to see. So a few examples of a family motto would be I can do hard things, do the right thing even when no one is looking, or even though every day may not be good, there is good in every day. I like that. Another family activity that you can do is called generosity day, so this would be one day a month. You can work up to more if you'd like. Another family activity that you can do is called Generosity Day, so this would be one day a month. You can work up to more if you'd like. One day a month.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Parents, encourage your kids to pick ways that they can show generosity to others in the family. So siblings could share their toys together. As a family, you could choose a couple items that you no longer need or use to donate. You guys could create art as a family. Your child could create a piece of art and let them choose. Who am I going to give this to? Who do I want to show love to today? Siblings can also, you know, help each other with chores. That one might be a little difficult, but yeah. So generosity day be a little difficult, but um, but yeah. So generosity day. And then again, the cool thing about this is it shows you, as the parent, how my child is showing up for other people, sure, and then, lastly, just be together, screen and phone free. Be together model respect and appreciation, and your children will notice and they'll definitely feel the difference.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:Thank you so much for sharing your wealth of knowledge with us, Samantha. If you have any questions after today's episode or want to learn more about our services, feel free to reach out to Trish Brown at 248-308-5535 or email her at tbrown@ elliementalhealth. com. Thank you.
