CAYA Conversations
Join us as we dive deep into the challenges and triumphs of parenting and student life in the Clarkston area. Our expert therapists bring their insights to the table, discussing vital topics that resonate with families today. From stress and time management to navigating co-parenting and blended families, we cover it all.
Discover strategies for positive reinforcement, learn how to manage different sibling personalities, and explore when to seek professional support. Whether you’re a parent, student, or simply part of the community, our conversations are designed to empower and inspire.
Tune in to connect, learn, and grow together!
CAYA Conversations
Transforming Sibling Dynamics: Expert Tips for Harmonious Family Life
Unlock the secrets to fostering harmonious sibling relationships with insights from renowned therapist Samantha Hazleton. Discover how to navigate the intricate dynamics of sibling interactions, especially when personalities clash. With Samantha’s expert guidance, you'll learn to identify signs of unhealthy competition and explore effective interventions. From distinguishing between play and aggression to teaching the art of sincere apologies, the episode is packed with actionable strategies that promise to transform your family environment. By the end, you'll have a toolkit for promoting respect, appreciation, and healthy communication among your children.
Explore the fascinating realm of personality development in children and how parents can nurture their unique identities with empathy and understanding. Gain a deeper understanding of what drives each child and how to tailor your support to meet their individual needs. Samantha shares practical advice for encouraging both cooperation and individuality, offering tips on how to support sensitive children and create opportunities for siblings to collaborate and shine. Whether it's attending a soccer game or respecting personal boundaries, the episode offers valuable insights for parents eager to foster a supportive and balanced family dynamic.
Managing Different Personalities and Needs Resources:
https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/the-childhood-strengths-of-every-myers-briggs-personality-type/
https://www.marriage.com/advice/family/examples-of-family-rules/
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/sibling-rivalry
Explore the various services available in our community to support parents and students facing social and emotional challenges at https://chs.clarkston.k12.mi.us/counseling/emotional-support
For Parenting Under Stress episode questions contact Trish from Ellie Mental Health - Clarkston at tbrown@elliementalhealth.com or 248-308-5535.
For more information on Clarkston Area Youth Assistance visit https://caya-mi.org/ or call 248-623-4313.
Hello and welcome to the podcast CAYA Conversations. Clarkson Area Youth Assistance is a volunteer-driven nonprofit organization focused on strengthening youth and families through the community involvement and prevention. Programs and services include family education, skill building and camp scholarships, youth recognition, pinwheels for prevention and casework services. CAYA is one of 26 youth assistance offices in Oakland County, located in every school district. Learn more at www. caya- mi. org or call 248-623-4313. Welcome back to the CAYA Conversations podcast. In this episode we'll explore how to navigate the challenges of managing siblings with different personalities and needs. We'll discuss practical strategies for fostering harmony, supporting each child's individuality, and effective conflict resolution techniques to help reduce sibling competition. I'm happy to introduce today's guest, one of our therapists, Samantha Hazleton. Let's dive in. My first question for you is what are some signs that sibling competition is becoming unhealthy and how can parents intervene effectively?
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Hi, thank you for having me again. Happy to be here, yeah, so let's talk about there are some three signs that sibling competition is becoming unhealthy. Our number one would be frequent physical aggression towards each other or one sibling towards another. So if your children are hitting, kicking, pushing constantly, this would be a sign that we could be headed into an issue. So not only can kids be physically harmed or injured with physical aggression, there's also the aspect of emotional harm when we talk about physical aggression, especially if one child is the instigator and the other child is then feeling the need to defend themselves.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:So it's really important for children to learn the difference between play and aggression with play. Aggression with play that includes mutual laughter. We're both laughing. You hear both the kids laughing. They're fooling around, they're having fun. It's light-hearted. Aggression does not. Aggression does not have laughter.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Physical aggression can cause a sense of fear. So if one child is laughing and the other is saying stop or don't, then it may have crossed the line of play for that one child. So it's important to address physical aggression in what the household rules and expectations are. So this would be what behavior is acceptable and what is not. So if you start to hear one child saying stop or don't or no, then that's your cue to go ahead and intervene, because then that also teaches both of the children about boundaries. So the child who's being physically aggressive learns to respect my sibling's boundaries when they say stop.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Another one is one or multiple children avoiding spending time or engaging with a specific sibling. So if and when a child begins to shy away from a specific sibling, that can show us that they're feeling uncomfortable in some sense around being that being around that sibling sorry.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:So it's important to first find out why is this happening and what is the perspective from each child of why this is happening. So avoiding the interaction prevents them from learning how to resolve conflicts. So if you're noticing that one of your children isn't really playing with another child, let's get down on their level and let's have a conversation with that child. What's going on and how are you feeling? What's going on with your sibling?
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:And then another sign that sibling competition is becoming unhealthy is constant sarcasm or taunting, name-calling or blaming of one sibling or each other. Name-calling or blaming of one sibling or each other so children who are constantly put down verbally by their sibling can develop a negative sense of self and low self-esteem. So you know that saying sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. That's actually an inaccurate statement, because words can and do definitely hurt. So words create worlds and if the words are negative or mean, if that we're hearing constantly, then that can create an emotional scar as well as unhealthy communication in the future. So it's important to key in on how your children are talking to each other. Playful banter is perfectly normal in sibling relationships. Constant name calling or blaming or being sarcastic that gets to the point where we want to maybe intervene and get to maybe what is going on and how can we speak nicer to each other.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I like what you said about getting on their level. I think in all relationships, asking the why forces us to really get some clarity that might actually change our responses. So I think that that's really helpful to also utilize with our kiddos. My next question would be how can parents help children develop conflict resolution skills when those siblings, those sibling disagreements arise?
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Yeah. So how to handle this is first to model. We're going to model conflict resolution skills with between the parents, you to your child, you to your parents, you to your siblings. So we're going to model those and then we're going to teach those conflict resolution skills to the children. So what is a conflict resolution skill? Each child gets the opportunity to express their feelings, verbalize their thoughts, and then what's also important with conflict resolution is accepting your responsibility or your accountability in what you did and then apologizing. So it's really difficult. A lot of people have a difficult time apologizing. So in a few minutes I'll talk about what exactly is an apology. So first, with conflict resolution resolution, we want to use, I feel, statements. So again, we'll include a resource for this. But a quick example would be I feel unheard when you interrupt me, so again, apologizing is hard. It's a skill that is learned.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:Sure.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:And so it's important that we learn how to do this. An apology includes recognition of the other person's emotion, recognition of your action and trying to do better next time. So an example of a conflict resolution between siblings could be I'm sorry, you feel unheard when I interrupt you. How can I do better next time? So, again, we're taking responsibility, we're, we're explaining, we, we see how they feel and we want to take that action step to do better next time. So again, this creates a sense of respect between siblings, recognition between siblings and appreciation. So it's important that both child, both children or, if there's multiples, every child gets a chance to do this.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I think you make a good point. I think taking accountability is hard at any age. So I think when a child does, that's like a perfect opportunity to praise them or just say, if they're not there yet, that like taking accountability is hard, it doesn't really matter you what age you are, and help facilitate them with that apologizing, because to your point, that is definitely learned a learned skill.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Yeah, and if a child is having a hard time like verbalizing this out loud, another thing you can do is simply write it down. Have your child write your other child a note.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:Oh, that's a great idea.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Yeah.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:Yeah, my next question would be how can parents encourage cooperation and shared responsibility among siblings, even when they have different temperaments and interests?
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:First and foremost, get to know each of your children as the individual they are. What do they enjoy, what challenges them, what makes them frustrated versus what makes them calm. So how we do this is we ask open-ended questions about their interests and in what area they feel they can contribute to the household. So let's set clear household expectations related to behavior towards themselves and others, responsibilities versus chores and the family routine. So let's create these as a family with the input of the kids. Expectations help kids learn and understand how to treat others. An example of an expectation would be speak kindly to each other or give each other space. When asked If you're an artsy or crafty family, make this a family craft by writing the expectations on canvases or poster board and display those in a common area for all to see as a visual reminder. An additional tip with this would be have your child or your children write the expectations themselves. So reading the rules, routine, expectations in their own handwriting can feel less of a demand because it's represented visually by them instead of your writing. I like that.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Small things For sure, absolutely. And then we also want to encourage your kids to work together to complete a task or an activity. This shifts the competitive mentality to a collaboration mentality and this is where we start to build teamwork. So teamwork skills are also learned skills, and when we have more than one child in a family, that's really our first sense of teamwork and how to work together. So dividing a chore of doing the dishes so one child rinses and another child puts them in the dishwasher or set the table One child is responsible for silverware, one child's responsible for cups, another child is responsible for napkins. So there's that collaboration. We're each having a task, a small task that makes up the big task. And then when playing board games, it's kind of fun to have the children on one team and the parents on the other. So then it's kids versus parents and they get to work together to kind of to beat you, and that's always fun when, when your kids can do that.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I love all your examples about visual reminders because I think for kids if we try to teach skills and they're all in their head that just creates maybe like an overwhelm. That creates barriers to behavior changes. So I like all these examples of visually facilitating behavior change. That's awesome.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Yes, absolutely.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:What are a few examples of different personality types and how to manage those between siblings?
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:There's a lot that goes into making us who we are and creating our personality. So there's nature, which is our DNA, our temperament, there's nurture, the care that we get during our upbringing, parenting styles, education, community, and then our experiences. So what challenges have we overcome? What situations are difficult for us? Aside from the well-known personality types of extroverted and introverted, let's focus on the creative child, the logical child, the active child and the sensitive child. I like that. So a creative child, the logical child, the active child and the sensitive child I like that. So a creative child.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:This child thinks out of the box. They're aware and attuned to their surroundings, so they really enjoy creating art, music, putting on a play, writing a story. They may have ideas that seem unconventional or maybe sometimes strange to you, but give them the space to work through that idea and explore how and if their idea is possible to achieve. When it comes to, like, household chores or tasks, allow them to be creative with it and do it in their own way. So, as long as the task is completed, give them the leeway to get it done in a way that makes sense to them. And then next we'll talk about the logical child. So this personality type thrives on structure, routine, order, rules, so provide them with rules and routines, again written out. Allow them to make rules for their bedroom. Give them the space to ask you questions and have conversations with them that includes different perspectives. This child will likely do better with a step-by-step process. Instead of clean your room, break it down into make your bed put your clothes in the hamper, that sort of thing.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Sure, and also, again, like with this child, they may enjoy lists, so a visual list of things that they can cross off or check off. So satisfying.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Mm-hmm. Yes, yeah, it's a little dopamine hit there. Yeah, absolutely yes. So with the logical child we want to take the big picture and break it down into those small, manageable steps and then next we'll talk about the active child. So this child loves physical activity and likely has very high energy levels. They're probably the risk taker of your family when it comes to play. So they're going to climb up to that next level. They're going to jump off the diving board, they're going to seek that adrenaline and dopamine rush. And so what we want to do with this child is provide safe opportunities for these big movements, and we want to get down on the floor with them and engage in hands-on play. So give them the choice of reasonable movements. If they're having difficulty sitting still so like at the at the table for mealtimes if they have a hard time sitting still and they're fidgety and they're getting overwhelmed, let them stand up. If they're, if they're having a moment of um, of intense energy, have them run three laps outside around the house. So these are two safe movements that that can get out that energy totally.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:And then we have the sensitive child. So this child not only recognizes emotions and others, they can also take on that feeling and begin to feel it themselves. They're extremely empathic and they can become upset easily, so this child needs validation of their emotions. Something like I can see you are upset, or it sounds like you're feeling frustrated Again. This is a child who does well with breaking down the picture into small steps. The big picture, the complex problem, can be very overwhelming to this child. So it's important to help a sensitive child manage their emotions by practicing coping skills such as taking three deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth, expressing their emotions verbally, and this child will likely enjoy affection when they're upset and seek hugs out from you.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I really appreciate that you're giving us some examples for each, because I'm just thinking of my toddler Sometimes she's the sensitive child and sometimes she's the active child, and so just being able to have some tools to use, depending on who she is in that moment or that day, is super helpful.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Yeah, yeah. And that's the other thing about you know, personality development in kids is they're still figuring themselves out, absolutely.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I still am.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Yeah, we all are in some sense. So, yeah, letting they're going to need different things in different moments. So being able to notice their cues and their behavior and then respond as their parent in the way that they may need in that moment. So, managing different personality types within the family, it takes patience and recognition.
Samantha Hazelton, LLP:Again, learn your child what makes them tick, what brings them joy, what makes them laugh, what do they struggle with, what are their strengths, and being supportive of each child's individual personality. So let's create opportunities for your children to work together. Allow each child to show off their strengths and, as a family, support those strengths when possible. So this can look like if the active child has a soccer game, go as a family if possible. When the creative child has an art fair, go as a family. When the sensitive child wants to have a family meeting to express their thoughts, have that family meeting and allow them to share themselves. And when the logical child has rules for their thoughts, have that family meeting and allow them to share themselves. And when the logical child has rules for their bedroom, let's ensure that siblings are respecting that.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:We deeply appreciate you sharing your incredible expertise with us. If you have any questions after today's episode or want to learn more about our services, feel free to reach out to Trish Brown at 248-308-5535, or her email at tbrown@ elliementalhealth. com. Thank you.
