CAYA Conversations
Join us as we dive deep into the challenges and triumphs of parenting and student life in the Clarkston area. Our expert therapists bring their insights to the table, discussing vital topics that resonate with families today. From stress and time management to navigating co-parenting and blended families, we cover it all.
Discover strategies for positive reinforcement, learn how to manage different sibling personalities, and explore when to seek professional support. Whether you’re a parent, student, or simply part of the community, our conversations are designed to empower and inspire.
Tune in to connect, learn, and grow together!
CAYA Conversations
Parenting with Connection-Based Rewards
Discover a revolutionary approach to parenting that goes beyond traditional reward systems as we welcome Raeleen Davis, a certified Synergetic Play Therapist, to CAYA Conversations. Are you ready to transform how you connect with your child by emphasizing emotional growth over tangible rewards? Raeleen and Lauren Ruben, a Licensed Professional Counselor, untangle the mysteries of positive reinforcement and its profound impact on nurturing a strong parent-child bond. By focusing on acknowledgment and validation, rather than praise and prizes, you’ll learn to foster your child’s internal motivation and emotional resilience.
They'll guide you through the journey of shifting from behavior-based rewards like sticker charts to connection-based experiences that meaningfully engage your child. The episode lays out practical strategies for encouraging learning while fortifying your relationship through simple yet powerful connection-based rewards. Whether it’s sharing an extra story or indulging in extra playtime, these experiences can nurture a lasting sense of accomplishment and motivation in your child. Tune in to explore how this thoughtful approach can support your child's development into a confident, self-regulated individual.
Positive Reinforcement Resources:
https://www.gottman.com/blog/mindful-parenting-how-to-respond-instead-of-react/
https://www.parents.com/kids/discipline/strategies/how-to-practice-positive-discipline-at-home/
Explore the various services available in our community to support parents and students facing social and emotional challenges at https://chs.clarkston.k12.mi.us/counseling/emotional-support
For Parenting Under Stress episode questions contact Lauren from Ellie Mental Health - Clarkston at Lruben@elliementalhealth.com or 586-322-3499.
For more information on Clarkston Area Youth Assistance visit https://caya-mi.org/ or call 248-623-4313.
Hello and welcome to the podcast CAYA Conversations. Clarkson Area Youth Assistance is a volunteer-driven nonprofit organization focused on strengthening youth and families through the community involvement and prevention. Programs and services include family education, skill building and camp scholarships, youth recognition, pinwheels for prevention and casework services. CAYA is one of 26 youth assistance offices in Oakland County, located in every school district. Learn more at www. caya- mi. org or call 248-623-4313. I'm Lauren Ruben, Clinic Director and Licensed Professional Counselor at Ellie Mental Health in Clarkston. In today's episode, we'll be diving into the power of positive reinforcement, a powerful approach in shaping behavior and emotional growth. We're joined today by Raleen Davis, a Certified Synergetic Play Therapist, to talk about how positive reinforcement can help support behavior change in children and how, as parents, we can apply these principles in daily life to nurture connection and growth with your child. Hi Raleen, thank you for coming on. Yeah, thanks, Lauren. So let's just dive right in Question number one what is positive reinforcement?
Raleen Davis, LPC:So in traditional parenting, positive reinforcement often means encouraging certain behaviors by following them with a reward. So maybe your child gets a sticker for cleaning their room or a treat for sharing with sibling. This works well for some things, but for me and in my training as a synergetic play therapist, we kind of take it a step further. So instead of just rewarding actions, we focus on supporting the child's emotional experience. Positive reinforcement here means helping the children feel seen and understood in what they're going through, which helps them develop self regulation and a sense of internal security. So, as parents, rather than simply rewarding good behavior, think about how you can acknowledge and validate the effort that your child is putting in to managing big emotions or navigating challenges. This type of reinforcement helps children feel connected and understood, which can lead to more meaningful and lasting behavioral change.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I think this is going to be a helpful podcast for me too, as we're in the middle of potty training. Yeah, my daughter, we need lots of positive reinforcement. Absolutely what like? How would we apply this approach in real life?
Raleen Davis, LPC:So the first piece of advice that I often give out is shift your perspective from rewards to connection. I like that. So imagine your child is frustrated because they can't figure out how to make a toy work. Instead of offering a reward for calming down, try connecting with them in the moment. You might say I see how hard you're trying and I can tell this is frustrating to you. I'm here with you. By acknowledging their effort and emotions, you're showing them that their feelings are valid. So the theory is over time they'll learn that it's okay to feel frustrated and they don't need to shut down or act out to get attention.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:You're reinforcing the idea that they're safe and supported even when things feel hard. That makes a lot of sense, I think. Even myself and adults we like to be acknowledged for our efforts, absolutely. What are some practical tips for parents?
Raleen Davis, LPC:All right. So there's a lot of them. Here are just some. So we want to reflect instead of praise, which is a hard shift and, believe me, I still praise my kid all the time. So it's, you know, all of these rules are not like hard and fast, but you, you know, when your child does something well, try reflecting on what you noticed instead of just praising the result. So instead of saying good job, you know, like oh, great job, kiddo, you did it. When they finish a puzzle, try saying something like I saw how you focused on where you were putting those puzzle pieces together, and that helps them feel more proud of their effort instead of the outcome. So that reinforces their internal motivation instead of that external motivation.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:That makes a lot of sense, not just focusing on the outcome.
Raleen Davis, LPC:Yeah, and you want to acknowledge their emotions, not just their actions. So when they have a big feeling, name it for them. You know I can see you're feeling really frustrated right now, or it seems you're sad because you have to stop playing. That helps them identify and accept their emotions, which is a big part of self regulation, and it also sends a message that all the emotions are okay, even the big, tough ones. You want to build internal rewards so we're not always reliant on those external rewards you know, like stickers or toys or those kinds of things. So after your child has worked through a challenge, encourage them to notice how they feel. They might say how do you feel now that you finished that drawing or man? What does it feel like in your body now after you took those big, deep breaths? This helps them build an internal sense of accomplishment, making it less likely that they'll rely on those external rewards in the future.
Raleen Davis, LPC:You want to be patient and consistent, which we could all pack our patience sometimes. But keep in mind behavior change takes time right. It can be tempting to go back to using rewards when things are hard, but remember each small step towards self-regulation is progress. So staying consistent, offering gentle reinforcement. You're helping your child learn that they have the tools to manage their emotions. You know I use this at home and I have to remember this at home too with my kiddo, like you know. But then I remember there's the one day that I heard him feeling frustrated with a toy and he put the toy down and he took a couple deep breaths and then he went into, like I was like yes, like oh, did it, nailed it today, you know.
Raleen Davis, LPC:And then, lastly, you want to try to model self-regulation yourself. So obviously our kids watch us all the time, even when you don't want them to. So if you stay calm and present when things are tough, you're modeling for them how to handle challenging situations. And you don't have to be perfect, right, like nobody's perfect, you know. You want to show them that you can stay grounded and help them develop those same skills, and acknowledging when you're like, oh man, I could have done something differently here. And, believe me, they'll love to chime in and help you work through that, for sure.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:This reminds me of, like. There is no manual to parenting, so trial and error is really important. Those are really great tips. Why is this approach effective?
Raleen Davis, LPC:So focusing on helping kids feel seen and understood nurtures the child's sense of self. When we focus on connection with our kids rather than rewards, we're helping our children build the self-confidence if I can get that word out self-confidence and emotional resilience. They're learning to trust their own feelings and experiences, knowing that they can handle them with support and that sense of internal security. It's a foundation that can lead to authentic behavior change, not because they're seeking approval, but because they feel safe and capable within themselves. Remember that small moments of connection are powerful. By focusing on these principles, you're creating an environment where your child can feel supported in who they are, not just what they do.
Raleen Davis, LPC:So it's not about stickers or treats or whatever. It's about helping your kids feel seen, understood and capable. And one thing that I always like to keep in mind and I don't remember exactly where this came from, but it came from grad school somewhere is that you know, you try to remember like kids will do the best that they can Like, try to keep that positive regard of them. They're trying their best with the skills that they have and as you're connecting with them and guiding them and teaching them, you have that in the back of your mind, so that they will do the best that they can with those skills available.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I think parents need to hear that too. We're doing the best that we can, Absolutely. If we can create that environment for them, then I think that it's a bonus, because we're also creating that environment for ourselves. If you're a parent or a caregiver who's been using traditional behavior-based reward systems things like the sticker charts, guilty points or treats you might be wondering how to make the shift to this connection-based approach, to positive reinforcement. So if your child is used to getting rewards for specific behavior, how do you start moving away from that?
Raleen Davis, LPC:Great question because, um, that that works in a lot of different scenarios.
Raleen Davis, LPC:Because you know, people do use like sticker charts and stuff like that for specific behaviors a lot, but you don't want to be giving stickers for potty training for, you know, five years or whatever right Like, eventually I'll have to phase that out.
Raleen Davis, LPC:So, um, but if your kid is used to a reward system, it's normal for them to expect something tangible for certain behaviors, right? The key is to making the transition is to introduce connection-based reinforcement gradually, while still acknowledging the effort and emotions they're putting into their actions. So start by acknowledging their hard work or effort alongside any reward that they're already receiving. So if your child is getting a sticker for completing their homework, you might say I saw how focused you were on your homework today, even when it got tricky. And over time this shifts the focus from the sticker to the satisfaction they get from trying hard. As they get used to hearing the affirmations that focus on their efforts and process, you can start reducing the physical rewards little by little. Eventually they'll start associating their positive efforts with emotions, and emotions with a sense of accomplishment rather than the need for an external reward.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:I can totally see how that helps like build self-esteem. I love that. I'm going to try that tonight. What if my child resists or feels like disappointed without those rewards?
Raleen Davis, LPC:Yeah, absolutely Like if we were getting rewards for a behavior and then all of a sudden it was like not there, you're not getting as consistently. You're like excuse me, where's my candy? Hello. But so it's totally understandable. Kids can feel frustrated and even disappointed if they're used to getting a treat for good behavior and that starts to change. Right, like we would. Key here is to keep reinforcing the emotional connection and the process-based praise as they adjust. So if your child feels disappointed, validate that feeling right. You know you could say I know you really wanted a sticker for that and I can see it's hard when things change. It's okay to feel disappointed. This reinforces that their feelings are valid and it helps them build resilience around managing change. Then keep focusing on recognizing their effort. You might say, even though you didn't get a sticker, I can tell you worked so hard on that and I'm really proud of the way you kept going. This will help them internalize a sense of pride and connection, even if they don't get the reward.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:That's awesome. I mean I know I talk about the importance of validation with my adult clients. So starting young is only going to help build that foundation. Absolutely. How can I explain this change to my child so that they understand why rewards are shifting?
Raleen Davis, LPC:Yeah, absolutely so. You don't want to just automatically one day be like nope, no more stickers, sorry, sorry, guys. So, explaining the shift very important, right. You might start by having an open conversation, especially if your kid is old enough to understand, right? Like if you have an older kiddo, upper L, even elementary school probably maybe not a full toddler conversation, but even with them you could say like we're going to start focusing more on how it feels when you work hard or try something new, rather than always giving stickers and treats. I want you to feel proud of yourself and know that you can do amazing things even without a reward. Then you can reassure them by explaining that you're still here to support and encourage them, just in a different way, and emphasize that their efforts and emotions matter to you, not just the outcome. This helps them understand your connection and appreciation for who they are and what they do, regardless of the reward.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:Right on. I like that shift. I don't know, to your point, if my two and a half year old is going to understand it in that language. Two and a half year old is going to understand it in that language, but I definitely think that there's a way to get her to understand. Just ways to be proud of yourself, and it doesn't mean that you have to have a monster truck sticker on your potty chart. Yeah, are there times when it's okay to use behavior-based rewards?
Raleen Davis, LPC:Yeah. So I mean, you know it's not a totally bad thing to use rewards there. There. There's a lot of um, things that are a gray area in parenting and this can be one of them, right, and nothing is all black and white right, nope, um.
Raleen Davis, LPC:So the key is to approach the rewards thoughtfully and with an understanding of the purpose behind them. So rewards should be used sparingly and intentionally, usually to help a kid learn a new skill or practice behaviors that support their growth and wellbeing. So, for example, potty training right, like that's a new skill, going pee-pee on the potty big deal. So if you know they struggle with that, you know giving a little reward as they're learning that new skill and then being mindful about transitioning from it. Or you know, if your kid struggles with transitions maybe going from playtime to dinnertime right, like that's always a tough one in my house, absolutely Right, starting off with a small, consistent reward might help them practice the skill while they're building confidence and handling those transitions Great point. And then the reward is a bridge and you want to keep on continuing to use those positive reinforcements of you know, praising their effort and the internal processes instead of just constantly, you know, over time, rewarding it with a tangible item rewarding it with a tangible item.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:That's awesome, that makes a lot of sense and that helps. I can understand just with self-regulation in general over time. How can parents use behavior-based rewards without losing focus on connection and self-regulation?
Raleen Davis, LPC:Yeah, so kind of like we talked about a few seconds ago. But when you choose to use a behavior-based reward, try to keep the focus on learning the process, not just the reward. So if you're rewarding your child for sharing with a sibling, make sure to talk about what the sharing experience felt like. You might say I noticed you shared even though it was hard, and I'm so proud of you for that. And then you can give a small reward like a sticker or maybe a special privilege. This helps your kiddo understand that the reward is tied to their growth, not just the action itself. Over time, you can begin to reduce the reward by reinforcing their feelings of accomplishment and connection instead, Such as saying you did an amazing job handling that. The reward gradually becomes a stepping stone rather than the ultimate goal.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:That makes a lot of sense. Last question for you, this has been very helpful. Thank you so much. Are there specific types of rewards that work best with this approach?
Raleen Davis, LPC:Yeah. So when using rewards, it's helpful to choose ones that feel meaningful but aren't the main event. Simple, small rewards like stickers, privileges, maybe an extra few minutes of playtime can be effective because they're easy to give and don't distract too much from the process of learning and connection. Another option is to create experience-based rewards, things that bring you closer to your child and give them a sense of shared joy, like reading an extra story together or doing a fun activity together. These rewards enhance your connection, which aligns well with you know our approach here and they can be easier to phase out as the child internalizes their motivation.
Lauren Ruben, MS, LPC:Thank you so much for listening. If you have any questions after today's episode or want to learn more about services, feel free to reach out to me at 586-322-3499 or email me at lruben R-U-B-E-N at elliementalhealth. com. Thanks again.
