Protect Your Peace - Healthy Relationships

Boundaries aren’t punishments; they’re instructions on how to treat us. We sat down to map the difference between supportive relationships and the kinds of dynamics that drain your energy, cloud your judgment, and put your safety at risk. From the first signs of respect to the subtle creep of control, we share practical ways to protect your peace without losing your voice.

We start with a clear picture of healthy connection: feeling safe to be yourself, being heard when something hurts, and receiving encouragement that pushes you toward your own goals rather than someone else’s agenda. Then we dig into boundary language that works—calm “I” statements, collaborative problem-solving, and firm safety lines when cooperation isn’t an option. You’ll hear simple scripts you can use today and learn why consequences are essential to make any boundary real.

We also break down red flags you should never ignore: escalating aggression, negative peer pressure around drugs or sex, controlling rules about your choices, and love bombing that masquerades as devotion but turns into surveillance. That intensity can show up in friendships too, with overnight “besties” who expect constant access. Finally, we explore why it’s so hard to let go of toxic ties—history, hope, and social media’s glamorization of chaos—and offer a steady plan to step back, reassess, and only re-engage if consistent change shows up over time.

If this conversation helped you name a boundary or spot a red flag, share it with a friend who needs it, subscribe for more grounded relationship tools, and leave a quick review to help others find the show. Your peace is worth protecting—what boundary will you enforce this week?

Explore the various services available in our community to support parents and students facing social and emotional challenges at https://chs.clarkston.k12.mi.us/counseling/emotional-support

For Talk It Out episode questions contact David from Giesken Counseling Services - Clarkston at 810-626-5191.

For Parenting Under Stress episode questions contact Trish from Ellie Mental Health - Clarkston at tbrown@elliementalhealth.com or 248-308-5535.

For more information on Clarkston Area Youth Assistance visit https://caya-mi.org/ or call 248-623-4313.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Today’s Focus
• 0:16 What Healthy Relationships Look Like
• 3:33 Setting Boundaries With Less Backlash
• 8:01 Red Flags to Watch For
• 10:15 Love Bombing In Dating And Friendships
• 12:34 Hard Lines And Enforcing Consequences
• 16:49 Toxic Relationships and Attention

Transcript

Max: 0:00

Hi, welcome to another episode of CAYA Conversations. Today's topic of discussion is boundaries, friend drama, and toxic relationships. My name is Max, and with me here today is Alexis.

Alexis: 0:13

Hello. I'm excited to be here.

Max: 0:16

Starting off with our first question of the day, what does a healthy friendship or relationship actually look like?

Alexis: 0:23

Ooh, that's always a good one. Um, well, in general, a healthy relationship, right, either it's romantic or platonic, a friendship, um you want to be supported, right? You want to feel encouraged through all of your endeavors and feel safe in that space with them, right? So if you're a little quirky, you should be able to like have your little quirks and people not feel like you're being judged for doing those things, right? Like, I don't know, some people they like to like make little fun dance moves randomly, and like your friends shouldn't be like, What are you doing? Don't do that. That's so weird, right? Like, you want to be able to do those things, and maybe they like kind of chuckle, but like you know, it's not like a I'm judging you kind of chuckle, it's like uh you're so silly, like this is why I love you. Um just to be yourself, right? Um, and that even speaks for like a romantic partner, right? You don't want them to be like, oh my gosh, don't ever do that in front of my friends, like that's so weird. They think I'm dating somebody that's so weird, don't do that, right? That's kind of controlling, even, and that doesn't make you feel safe to be who you are, yeah. Right. Um, you also want to feel like respected and heard from your friends and your partner, right? So if something's wrong, you want to be able to feel like you're safe to say, like, hey, like that actually hurt my feelings, and like talk to them about it and be able to like work together to make sure that doesn't happen again. And if it does, like they are aware of it and they can even potentially come back and be like, Oh, you know, actually, I feel like I might have hurt your feelings. I'm sorry if I did, and then you could be like, Oh my god, thank you for recognizing that, but like this time it didn't, but thank you for at least acknowledging that it could hurt my feelings. Um, you know, and then there's the part of like peer pressure, you don't want to have that in there, right? I mean, to an extent. So sometimes we can have like positive peer pressure where it's like your friends know that you're super anxious, but you really want to try it for the cheerleading squat or you know, audition for the school play, and they're like, Oh my god, Katie, you should totally go do it. Like, you can do this, like just do it, just do it, just push yourself, just go do it. And you're like, No, I can't, like, please don't push me to do this. And they're like, but you need to do it, you're gonna do absolutely great, right? That kind of peer pressure, sure, absolutely, because they're gonna try to push you to do things that you want to do, right? But the the peer pressure you want to stay away from is the pressure of like, hey, we should go and like skip band and go and do this instead, out on the bleachers and engage in things that we shouldn't be doing, right? Um, we should skip class tomorrow because I hate that teacher and I just don't want to skip by myself. Will you just skip with me? Those things kind of want to stay away from those, right? That's probably not a healthy friendship or even a partnership. Um but in general, just make sure that you're you feel safe in the relationship, you feel supported, you feel encouraged, it's a mutual understanding, and you're not judged. Just be yourself.

Max: 3:31

Yeah. How do I set boundaries without being mean or losing people?

Alexis: 3:36

Mm-hmm. That's a good one. In general, I'm gonna say, overall, people don't generally take being put on boundaries very well, right? Um, a lot of times, and I think this is just like a societal issue issue, right? A lot of times we find like having boundaries put on us as like very punish, like it's a punishment, right? Um, but reality what we're we're actually doing is we're letting somebody else know, like, hey, I don't want to be talked to that way, I don't want to be treated that way, and I want you to be able to treat me appropriately, right? So it's not necessarily like something to be punitive, it's more of like, hey, maybe you didn't know, but like actually you kind of talked to me in a belittling way, that's not gonna happen. Um, I really don't like that. Um it's gonna be hard, there's gonna be a lot of back pushback because we hate boundaries because we don't like other people telling us what to do. But when it comes to us, like we have the right to tell somebody else how we want to be treated. Um, so the best way to kind of limit that um feel like having the other person feel like we're being mean um or potentially lose them as a friend is like come from a place of like um being like it's a joint effort, right? We want to be like non-judgmental, we don't want to be like blaming them, like you did this wrong, you know, come from of like, well, I really felt like this hurt me, and I didn't like that way that you spoke to me, so you know, could you possibly speak to me in a nicer tone? Right? Um, having that more of like a it's this is us together working through this, um, also allows them to feel like they have some input in what's gonna happen and their dynamic and be able to say, okay, well, like that's not how I meant it, but I can hear you on that, and I can be more mindful of that, and you're like, Great, that works for me as long as you're willing to be more mindful of that, right? Um, and now there could be times where like it's not really necessary to have this be like a partnership, and we need to set more hardcore boundaries of like, no, I really don't want you to put me in situations that are gonna make me um feel uncomfortable or put my life at risk, right? Like somebody texting and driving, hey, actually, I don't feel comfortable text, like you texting and driving. So if you're gonna do that, then like I'm not gonna ride in the car with you. Um, you know, and that can be a harder boundary where it's it's not a joint effort to come up with a solution, it's this is the line, don't cross it, right? Um the tone of voice can also help, right? If you're like, don't do this, they're gonna be like, okay, well, first of all, why are you being rude right now? Um, and just you know, come to them like, hey, this kind of again, this hurt my feelings. I really didn't feel comfortable with this. What else can be done? You know, take a very positive approach to it and try to limit the amount of like judgmentalness and winging as much as you possibly can. But don't be surprised if you feel some pushback, and some sometimes people do take it as like, well, then you just don't want to be friends with me, and that's that's not the case at all. It's again, it really comes down to we're setting the expectations of how we want others to treat us, um, and it really just goes back down to that of like just treat me how I feel like I deserve to be treated. Now, this doesn't mean like go and be like, I need to be treated like a princess or the king, um, because I'm like the coolest person ever, but you know, within appropriate bounds of being treated, you know, and mostly just the basic like respect um and safety, all those good things.

Max: 7:51

Yeah. And we talked about setting these boundaries with respect and kindness to other people. What are some red flags and friendships or dating that I should watch for?

Alexis: 8:00

Yeah, um, so I mean, there's like the obvious ones, right? Like if somebody's being physically aggressive or threatening towards us, those are some pretty big, giant light up red flags that are like, mm-mm, right? Probably stay away from that. Um, because odds are they're probably gonna escalate when things don't go their way and emotions start to get high, that's that's the first thing that's gonna go, right? It's gonna get pretty ugly pretty fast. Um, so if they're already coming off very like verbally or physically aggressive or threatening, those are like very basic major red flags. Um another one is back to that peer pressure, right? If it's not that positive, like encouraging you to like break out into more um uncomfortable spaces that are like positive for you, like auditioning for that school play, probably not a good one. You know, it's another red flag. You know, if they're that negative peer pressure of like, hey, you should just like smoke this joint with me. You're like, no, I really don't. No, no, no, it's cool, it's gonna be so cool, you're gonna feel so cool and like chill at the end of it, like you're gonna love it. No, I really don't feel comfortable doing that. Please don't ask me again. Oh, come on, Cindy, it's gonna be totally fine, right? Um, that kind of pressure around drugs, alcohol, even sexual activity that like you're not willing to engage in. Um, those are gonna be some red flags. And then you have like the other typical like bullying behaviors, right? The bull um like humiliating, belittling, controlling, um, you know, you can't wear this, you can't wear that, you can't sit with these people, you can't be friends with that person, and you know, um you need to do this, and you can't work at this job, and all of those things, like those are flags to put it lightly, right? Like those you don't want to feel like somebody's controlling your every move, right? Um, and then like the most popular thing right now is like love bombing, right? Or being toxic, as the kids say these days, right? Like, um, you know, and so what is love bombing? Well, love bombing is like you just meet somebody and they're like, oh my god, I'm so in love with you. This is so great. Let's hang out all day, every day. I want to be attached to your hip. You gotta be texting me all the time. If you don't answer within five seconds, what are you doing? Why are you not responding to me? Uh my life is over if you don't respond to me, right? Um, it feels great in the moment, right? Because oh my god, somebody's giving me so much attention. But in the long run, we tend to see that that escalates into a lot more of controlling behavior that can unfortunately sometimes turn into more physical aggressive aggression and threats that escalate to like even kind of being stalker-ish type um people, right? Um, and so just kind of looking out for those, those are really the main ones. Um, and that's really true for both friendships and romantic partners. Um, because you can do that, right? If love bombing looks like it for a friend, like they're like, Oh my god, you're my best friend, and you like literally just met this morning, and by the end of the day, they're like, Oh my god, you're my best friend. I love you so much. You're best friends forever. Here's a keychain, also. Um, can I come over tonight? You know, like and then the next morning they're like, Oh my god, good morning. Hi, yes, let's walk to class, let's make sure we're matching, let's do all of these fun things together. And you're like, Yeah, um, I have basketball practice after school, and they're like, Oh my god, but like, what am I supposed to do while you're at basketball practice? I'm gonna be so bored. Please don't go. You're like, Yeah, but like I really gotta go to basketball practice.

Max: 12:03

Right, right?

Alexis: 12:04

Um, so it it might not be necessarily like love bombing, but it's that over-communication, that like just overwhelming need to like want to be in your presence talking to you constantly. Um that would be something I would look out for as well.

Max: 12:24

Yeah. And so if I'm noticing these red flags or someone that doesn't respect my boundaries, how do I handle that?

Alexis: 12:32

Yeah, um, so this kind of goes back to when I was talking about boundaries, um setting consequences. Um so when we are setting boundaries, we want to make sure that we also have consequences for when those boundaries are violated, right? So going back to the example of the friend texting and driving, right? The consequence of the friend still doing that, which violated the boundary, was I'm not driving in the car with you anymore, right? You're not taking me home from school or picking me up. I'll drive separately or I'll have somebody else take me. That's a consequence. Um, and so making sure that you are enforcing those boundaries, like those consequences, sorry, um, when that boundary is violated, is really important when somebody's not respecting them.

Max: 13:22

Right.

Alexis: 13:22

And even reiterating, like, hey, I've already kind of talked to you about this, of like how it really made me uncomfortable when you're doing this, or you speak to me like this, you know, now I feel like I am not as safe around you. So, you know, I'm might want to take a little bit of a step back from the relationship for a little bit, you know. Um, and we're just totally fine. People are again not gonna be the happiest with it because it's gonna feel a little bit like a punishment. Um, but at the same time, they're not respecting your boundaries and how you've set the expectation for them to treat you. Um the good thing is is sometimes there's just natural consequences. Um so, like you don't do your homework, guess what? The natural consequence is you fail the homework grade, right? Um that's a natural consequence. Sometimes it the natural consequence is not appropriate, right? So going back to the driving, you know, I get in the car with you. If you text and drive, the natural consequence could be potentially like getting into a really bad car accident. Well, I don't want you to get into a car accident, so my consequence is I'm not driving with you, right? And I hope that one day like you learn, don't text and drive. Um, and I hope that you don't get into a car accident because that's not fun and that's not safe. Um then we don't want to wish ill on anybody because that's never going to be good.

Max: 14:48

Yeah.

Alexis: 14:49

Um but make sure you're stern standing your ground on what those boundaries are and following through with the consequences, I would say, is the biggest thing that you should do when somebody's disrespecting your boundaries and violates them.

Max: 15:05

Yeah. And sometimes when we do set these boundaries and we start to let go of these toxic people in our lives, it is very difficult. And uh so why is it so hard to let go of toxic people even when I know I should?

Alexis: 15:21

Yeah. Uh well, I feel like that's a loaded question, right? Um a lot of times that I when I see like clients that um identify somebody that's toxic that they know they should get rid of, you know, out of their life. Um, it's because they've been friends with them for a long time.

Max: 15:41

Right.

Alexis: 15:42

Or they've had some type of relationship with them for quite some time, to the point where they've been able to form those deeper connections, right? Like they've been my best friend since third grade. And maybe in the last couple of years is when they started showing those more toxic behaviors, and you're like, okay, but she wasn't like that when she was like in the fourth grade. Maybe she'll change again. I don't know. But that doesn't work for you right now, right? And that doesn't mean if you let them go right now, and then you see a change later on, you can't reignite that friendship, right? Um, but right now that's not working for you, and that's not a safe environment for you to be in. So it it's okay to step back from that relationship. And it can be hard because we care about them at that point, right? Like I've been friends with this person since third grade. I really care about them. They're like my sister. I can't let go of my sister, but you can because it's a friend that's toxic right now, and it's not safe and healthy to be around. No, right? Um, the other thing I feel like that's really big right now is like I don't I don't know, I see on TikTok, it's really cool to like be in that toxic relationship because the attention's always on you guys. Like, oh, Katie and Brandon are fighting again in the hallway screaming match, you know, and that it gets everybody involved and they're all eyes are on you, and oh, he's so toxic for me, but I love him anyways. You know, it's I feel like it's very pushed right now on the social on social media. Um, but the reality is is like it can get very dangerous very quickly, right? It goes back to those red flags. You know, a lot of times those toxic people that like we love that are toxic because they don't care to like talk out of turn and be rude and disrespectful to other people and you know potentially start fights and stuff like that. Like, yeah, it might be entertaining because it takes 20 minutes in the hallway to clear because two kids are fighting right now because they're toxic, right? But in the long run, like there's serious consequences to that, and it's even more serious when like you're the one involved in it, right? Because now they're potentially affecting your life, yeah. Um, and you don't ever want to jeopardize your life trajectory based off of somebody else's choices, yeah.

Max: 18:12

Right?

Alexis: 18:13

Um, so it's hard because oftentimes we really care for those toxic people. Um but again, if you're noticing that they have some flags to them, we should probably step back a little bit, reassess, and if they are toxic, probably step away fully until we can see consistently that they're not engaging in those toxic behaviors. But if we do re-engage, make sure that you're always kind of keeping an eye out because that they can always re-bring up like not re-but bring up those behaviors again and exhibit them. Um hopefully they don't. Yeah, but you never know.

Max: 19:00

Alright. Well, that does conclude our topic today on boundaries, friend drama, and toxic relationships. Um, once again, we are from Geese Counseling Services. That is spelled G-I-E-S-K-E-N. You can find us online at www.gieskencounseling.com. And you can reach our main office at 810-626-5191. Once again, my name is Max, and with me today is Alexis.

Jamie: 20:00

Hey your tuned in to CAYA Conversations, the podcast all about teens, families, and real life stuff happening in our community. We're brought to you by Clarkston Area Youth Assistance and yeah we do everything from cool programs and camp scholarships, to recognizing teens doing awesome things. Basically we've got your back. Hit up caya-mi.org or call 248-623-4313 .